Struggle

The past three and a half months have been a continuous struggle over something when it has come to Jake and I. Initially it was the jaundice and making sure he was receiving enough intake to get rid of it. Then we had thrush, which refused to go away. We tried off and on for weeks, even meeting a Lactation Consultant, to try and get back to nursing pain-free, but it just didn't happen. He would latch perfectly but I would become raw and bleed (tmi, sorry!) and we would repeat the entire cycle over again. Eventually he refused to nurse and I was back to exclusively pumping. I pumped with enough output to feed him in the early weeks, but it eventually was not enough. I tried pumping vacation, nursing again, every single herb that has ever been recommended (I swear I spent at least $150 on meds!) and finally tried Reglan. It helped a tiny bit, my pump output was about 3-4oz every 3 hours, which was still not enough to satisfy him.  I took the Reglan for two weeks because my OB wouldn't let me take it any longer. Once I took my last pill my output decreased tremendously and I had to begin supplementing with formula at each feeding. I debated for a few days on whether or not I should continue to pump every three hours when I was getting hardly anything, so I decided to stop killing myself with the rigorous schedule. I had already put myself through hell and tried everything there was to increase my supply. I tried...HARD...and I failed, but it is not in my control and I know that. So for now I am pumping about three times a day, which is way more manageable for our busy schedule. I usually get a bottle at each session, so he is still getting 3 breast milk bottles a day, the rest formula. It has been quite stressful for me, most of you know how important breast feeding is to me. For me to fail at doing the one thing that means so much to me has really been a struggle, but I think I have successfully overcome the guilt and negative feelings. I just want to ENJOY my baby while he is still a baby, I cannot do that if I am constantly stressing....so here we are!

I will update on Jake later, he's getting huge!